Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Green Day: You and your partner take turns climbing a telephone pole.
Radiohead: You each listen to white noise through MP3s while looking at SFMOMA’s Rothkos.
Smashing Pumpkins: You debate the ending of Birdman until you convince your partner it is about liberating unconscious psychosexual desires. You go to sleep in different bedrooms.
The Strokes: You take a German hand model out to a place that you really can’t afford.
Pixies: You bake a marble sheet cake for your partner’s two teenage children.
Oasis: You bake a marble sheet cake for your two teenage partners.
Pearl Jam: You down an entire six-pack rewatching the Bush-Dukakis debates, and then call your mom on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
The Cars: You fall asleep on a thrifted futon reading “Love in the Time of Cholera.“
Interpol: You think your body is an acceptable Valentine’s Day gift.
The Offspring: You finally cut the sleeves off your Ramones T-shirt.
Joy Division: You cry yourself to sleep listening to your ex’s Swedish metalcore mixtape, titled “Ja, detta är the Moon” (Yes, that is the moon).
New Order: You cry yourself to sleep listening to Joy Division.
The White Stripes: You ignore your truancy notice to go chase small animals with a cattle prod.
Arctic Monkeys: You meet your girlfriend at the mall and finally kiss on the lips.
Blink-182: You spend the day reminding yourself why you’re straight.
Paramore: You spend the day reminding yourself why you’re not straight.
Phoenix: You take your partner to a French restaurant to “celebrate your heritage,” although you’re only 1/8th French and were born in Albuquerque.
Temple of the Dog: You and your partner spend the day buying things that would survive a nuclear holocaust.
Fugazi: You take your partner to do yoga at an ExxonMobil gas stop.
Collective Soul: You tell everyone you’re going to an orgy, but you secretly stay home and watch reruns of “Three’s Company.”
Alice in Chains: You hit on other depressed singles at a local gym.
LCD Soundsystem: You hit on other depressed singles at a local rave.
System of a Down: You hit someone with your car.
Red Hot Chili Peppers: You give your partner a bouquet made of LA parking tickets.
Gin Blossoms: You propose to your ex and, when they refuse, threaten to kill yourself.
The Smiths: You stay home and finish writing your screenplay about the pretty girl from the public library.
Siouxsie and the Banshees: You and your partner host a Universal Classic Monsters-themed séance at a deserted amusement park.
The Last Shadow Puppets: You spend the day pleasuring yourself to videos of Alex Turner.
Blondie: You spontaneously read all six volumes of “The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire.”
Weezer: You do not understand the concept of love.