Whether it’s bicycling, scootering, skateboarding, segwaying, unicycling, horseback riding, electric biking, electric scootering, electric skateboarding or electric horseback riding, there’s always some new, trendy way of getting around campus. The oldest of these methods, rhythmically lifting one’s legs in concert, known to practitioners as ‘walking’, has recently become more popular with the rise of ‘No Bike Wednesdays’.

According to creator Jake Katz ’25, “‘No Bike Wednesdays’ are good for mental health on campus. You’re taking the pressure off bike thieves to rush everywhere and are therefore reducing their stress levels.”

“In the past, I’d be in and out in just a few minutes,” explained campus bike thief Imnatel Lingyu, “but now that people are just leaving their bikes out for the whole day without checking on them, I have time to leisurely banter with my colleagues while we pick locks. I find myself taking more time to appreciate your beautiful campus.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.