The recent precipitous drop in humanities declarations has led to calls from the international community to consider Stanford humanities majors as an endangered species.

Pseudoscientist Viklas Nainio has been watching this alarming pattern for several years: “The rate at which humanities majors have seemingly disappeared from the Stanford ecosystem is really unprecedented,” he said. “Following the trend line, it seems like Stanford will have no humanities majors by 2030 if we don’t take any action.”

But what caused such a drastic drop in what seemed to be a thriving community of polisci, IR and communications majors?

Nainio attributes the pattern to habitat loss and the unrelenting pressure from invasive species such as CS and symbolic systems majors. However, there exist many other competing theories that have gained popularity. Some random guy I talked to on the street told me that “CS majors are simply superior visually, physically, mentally, academically and, of course, socially. Thus, they just deserve more.”

At the career fair, where students usually go out to graze, the future is bleak for humanities majors. The startups and consulting groups and hedge funds are plenty. CS majors, finance bros, and start-up people frolic happily, picking up merch left and right, leaving with hands filled with tote bags, water bottles and t-shirts, emblazoned with the logo of whatever company they are planning on selling out to.

Meanwhile, the one or two law, policy or community service-related booths lay barren, joined by a sad pile of unselected stickers, candy and even sadder-looking dejected humanities students manning the stations. By the time graduation comes around, those humanities majors are likely to be destined for starvation and the streets.

So how can we tackle this complex problem? Stanford’s higher-ups are considering a culling of CS majors, similar to how deer are culled in large cities when their populations get too large. However, some are skeptical about damaging the delicate Stanford ecosystem or further harming the already dwindling humanities populations. The debate rages on. But if you want to help this worthy cause, feel free to Venmo me @Heng-Eric.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.