After an enthusiastic return to semi-normalcy, many Stanford students have turned to campus fraternities to get their share of themed-party fun. Frats have made their debut following the restricted period by exploring a variety of themes for their parties, but one seems to prevail above all others.

See, we’re not exactly sure who came up with it first, but “the police are coming”-themed parties have gained a real edge over the past few weekends. It’s astonishing how good these guys are at giving us the adrenaline-packed, role-playing experience of seeming as though they’re about to get arrested while ushering people out of their houses. I’ll admit, they really had me at “EVERYONE OUT, NOW!”— I love a guy who can tell me what to do, and honestly, 10/10 acting on their part. It’s so nice to see that they’re giving it their all to make sure the rest of us have fun — they really gaslight, gatekeep and guyboss their way to social supremacy by making us feel like true rebels going crazy on a Friday night.

The violent spectacle of people trying to push through the entrance to one of these parties is really something. Amid all the chaos, I couldn’t help but wonder: Why are SNU’s friendship bracelets so ugly? I was really confused while watching people wave flimsy pieces of paper wrapped around their wrists at the poor guy at the door. It’s really sad that they couldn’t afford any string this time — but hey, I’m all for greater inclusivity through the reduction of dues. It’s so nice to watch the Greek community grow more and more conscientious of the needs of their members and community.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.