Ladies, we’ve all been there: One minute it’s hot, the next it’s not. First your administration invites students back for a whole quarter of social-distanced undergraduate experience and then they tell you to go crawling back to the wrapper-strewn childhood bedroom you came from. Your inbox burns with steamy emails that make you think your university wants a future together, filled with outdoor yoga classes and heavily policed dining halls, but now you have to cancel your flight. You’re left feeling crazy for thinking you were ever going to go back in the first place. So what are you supposed to do now? 

Define the relationship.

Now’s the time to ask, “what are we?” I know it’s tough, ladies, especially when things were just starting to get hot and heavy, but you’ll thank me later. Confront your university about what they envision your relationship as. Are you even a student? Or are you just someone on a bunch of email lists? This can be a sensitive conversation, so be sure to use “I” statements, like, “I feel blindsided when you cancel our plans together without notice,” and, “every time I hear an Outlook notification, I feel like the world is ending.” 

Turn up the heat.

Maybe your university can’t decide whether they want you or not. But you can show them just how much you need them. Get your university hot and bothered with some texts detailing exactly what you want them to do to you. 

• Tell them how desperate you are for their big, fat, swollen administration.
• Send a suggestive picture of the Pink Floyd poster you bought for your room.
• Let them know just how badly you want to roll around in their standard-issue twin XL bed.

If that fails, you can always send them more money.

Make them chase you.

If your university can’t keep their focus on you, bring it back by playing hard to get. You can’t let them know how badly you want them back. Ladies, that means no more stalking their Instagram! (Even when they post thirst-trap pics of their beautiful campus.) You can also make them jealous by talking to other universities. Request informational postcards and make sure to put them somewhere your university will see it, like your on-campus PO box. 

If you’re serious about staying with your university despite their mixed signals, then maybe it’s time for a break. Work at a start-up and make sure to post all about it on LinkedIn. You look hot in that blazer and those Allbirds, and your university knows it. You need them to see how well you’re doing without them — it’ll make them want you back even more.

Move on.

Ladies, if all else fails, then you need to just move on. Your university clearly doesn’t care about you or your circumstances. Just like your mom warned you, some universities are after what’s in your pants — specifically your pockets. Maybe see what Harvard is up to this weekend… 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.