IMPORTANT: this article is for Professor Venkatesh only! If you aren’t Professor Venkatesh, what are you even doing on this page?

Leave now!

Seriously!

Okay, now that everyone who isn’t Professor Venkatesh has left — hi. Thanks for reading my articles, professor. I really appreciate it. But here’s the thing: I have a confession to make.

I don’t *actually* know how to do math. In truth, I don’t even know what a number is.

It all started in kindergarten when my teacher held up a picture of some apples and said, “Now, who can tell me how many apples are in this picture?” “Three!” my classmates all shouted eagerly — but all I could think was, “Three? What the heck is three?” I’ve been pretending ever since.

It feels good to admit it. And since I’ve come this far, I should also admit that I’ve been completing all of my assignments through ancient summoning rituals and witchcraft. See, I never really understood the whole “you’re never going to have a calculator with you in the real world” argument. I mean, can’t you just get the ghost of Carl Freidrich Gauss to do the math for you? And what do you mean that “no one else has entered into a blood contract with his spirit?”

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say, Professor Venkatesh. Thanks again for reading my work.

Sincerely,

Michelle Fu

P.S. If you want to meet Gauss, I have tea with him and Euclid on Sunday afternoons.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Michelle Fu at mifu67 ‘at’ stanford.edu.