Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Yesterday, a top official from the CDC confirmed the rumors that have been circulating for months: There is a new and even more deadly pandemic at play.

Mask acne, or “maskne,” has infected over 28 million Americans to date, compared to only a mere five million Americans who have tested positive for COVID-19.

The numbers don’t lie. Maskne will destroy this country, and possibly the entire world. 

An online petition to ban masks permanently in the U.S has gained over three million signatures in less than 16 hours. Activists in other countries — the United Kingdom, Brazil and Russia — have also begun to create their own petitions to support the movement to ban masks. 

“I would rather get COVID than end up with pimples on my face. That would ruin my face,” said a source who wished to remain anonymous for privacy reasons.

Similar statements were echoed by countless individuals who have thrown away all their masks in order to stay pimple-free. 

Prompted by the public outcry over maskne, President Donald Trump organized a press conference to address the concerns. “Maskne has become a dangerous reality plaguing all U.S. citizens. I will take action immediately with an Executive Order to rid our country of masks that have been the direct cause of suffering to millions of Americans. We have the most beautiful faces. No country has more beautiful faces than us, and we cannot become ugly. ”

People across the country sighed in relief that their pain and hunger from maskne would finally be over. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lydia Chen at lydiac123554 ‘at’ gmail.com.