It’s almost college application season — the dreaded string of months when seniors from all around the world scramble to find out where they’ll spend their next four years. It’s a nerve-wracking process, but if you follow these steps, you’ll soon find yourself at the school of your choice.

Tip #1: Bake your admissions officers (or sailing coach) some delectable cookies.

Often admissions officers jokingly say that the reason they might reject qualified applicants is because they’re simply having a really bad day. What if this isn’t a joke? Maybe Harvard’s admissions officers have bad days 95 percent of the time? In order to quell this fit of malaise, go ahead and bake the most delicious cookies your own two hands could ever make, and be sure to send an equally likable letter. Bonus points for sending cookies straight to their home addresses. 

Tip #2: Wear something memorable to your interview.

First impressions matter a lot, so you want to stand out from the crowd. Try wearing a toga — or better yet, the university mascot — and stride confidently into the coffee shop. How could they say no?

Tip #3: Tell, don’t show.

Admissions officers have to read thousands of essays with 10 layers of symbolic meaning and replete with all the rhetorical devices to fulfill an AP Language teacher’s dream. So why not make their jobs much easier by making the most direct essay possible and listing 650 words that describe you for the Common Application? That way, the admissions officers can get a clear picture of you and don’t have to try to find a central theme. 

Tip #4: Change your name.

If you’re too poor to have a billion dollars handy, then the best you can do is feign a donor relationship. Pro tip: Try ‘Arrillaga.’

Tip #5: Hack yourself into the acceptance pile.  

This is for my technologically-inclined prospective students. Why not show off your computer science skills as well as flaunt your flawless acceptance into the most prestigious schools by hacking yourself into the system? 

Tip #6: Cure coronavirus.

Please.

If you follow all of these tips exactly how they are laid out, then you can already start putting “Stanford ’25,” “Harvard 2025,” “#MIT25” in your social media bios! (P.S.: Do not mention this article or my name in case you get sued.) 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Shoaib Jamil at sjamil ‘at’ student.norman.k12.ok.us.