Editor’s Note: This article is purely fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Preface: The Engineering Quad could be hazardous to sexual stamina, as evidenced by one Stanford freshman in CS 106A: “Nothing about coding is sexy, except my TA.”

A. Come to McMurtry for the view, stay to sway Jack-and-Rose style.

B. Lend a helping hand — or some other body part — to victims of the Circle of Death.

C. Get your content in high resolution at Lathrop’s Learning Hub.

D. End that dry spell and get your fountain hop on.

E. Join the mile-high club atop Stanford’s most phallic icon.

F. Take a hands-on approach in the Bend-’er over room of Green Library.

G. Lay down some musky newspapers for the ultimate aphrodisiac.

H. Taste some of the best meat on The Farm at TAP.

I. Get your $5 foot-long behind the Subway counter.

J. Order from Tresidder Jamba Juice’s Creamy Treats menu.

K. Without regard for salamander security, make Lake Lag wet again.   

This article is the third in the Mapping Stanford series. Maps from the series can be found at cartacluster.wordpress.com.

For more maps or musings, contact Arman Kassam at armank ‘at’ stanford.edu or Alanna Flores at alanna13 ‘at’ stanford.edu.