Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

William Curry, following his brief stint as a Stanford impostor living in the basement of Crothers, was recently admitted to Stanford’s undergraduate class of 2027 after various deliberations with Stanford Admissions staff. On the Stanford Admissions website, the staff attribute their decisions to a combination of academic excellence, intellectual vitality, extracurricular activities and context. The Daily managed to secure an interview with Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid Richard Shaw to discuss this novel development.

The Stanford Daily (TSD): Why William Curry?

Richard Shaw (RS): He simply checks every box that the admissions staff look for. We concluded that Curry has the required academic excellence after seeing his leaked text regarding his participation in Math 51, which indicated he has asked for help in the class. His intellectual vitality to take classes that he wasn’t even enrolled in is truly astounding. And his extracurricular activities of crypto trading and competitive poker playing simply fit the profile of finance bro that Stanford embodies. Simply put, he is a perfect fit.

TSD: What about his ethically dubious activities?

RS: Honestly, since almost half our students become CS majors anyways, I don’t think he’s any more or less moral than any of them. And do you really think Stanford students are good people, anyways? I don’t like most of the students I meet anyways. I just fake a smile because it makes my job easier.

TSD: So should prospective students follow in Curry’s footsteps?

RS: Yes! We love the amount of demonstrated interest this shows. Please follow in Curry’s footsteps — he is a trailblazer. Anyone can show initiative to be at Stanford, and squatting here goes above and beyond to help potential applicants. I think this is simply such a wonderful, applied process.