Freshman Ezekial Brahms took a new approach to ‘dry week’ this year after refusing to shower in his floor’s all-gender bathrooms. 

“People think I’m afraid of girls because I was homeschooled, but I assure you that’s not the case. I mean, my mom is my best friend!” Brahms said. Brahms, who didn’t realize the bathroom situation before committing, only realized they were all-gender after running into Paula Castillo in the bathroom. 

“Oh my god, is this about that smelly kid?” freshman Castillo said. “He bumped into me in the bathroom and stress ate a bar of soap right in front of me.”

Along with all-gender bathrooms, Brahms avoids scantily-clad statues, certain dorms including Florence Moore and Sally Ride, and people with gender-neutral names. 

“Yeah, now that you mention it, he only calls me Alexander,” said Brahms’ roommate Alex Stipple. “But I guess I’ve only noticed the smell lately.” Luckily for his roommate, Brahms has found a solution to the bathroom problem by embracing Stanford’s innovative spirit. 

“Yeah, I shower in the fountains at night,” said Brahms. “Honestly, I don’t get it. People say fountain-hopping is so great, but the minute I start taking my clothes off, I’m the indecent one all of a sudden.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.