According to a recent press release by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), climate change is over.

While many scientists gave dire warnings about the potential for rising sea levels, crop failures and mass extinction if we did not take drastic action to prevent rising temperatures, the panel says they underestimated the extent to which citizens would take their messages to heart and purchase metal straws.

According to Dr. Hoesung Lee, the head of the IPCC, the panel would like to give a special thanks to white suburban moms for leading the charge in purchasing metal straws, cotton tote bags and expensive organic foods.

“We thought we were going to have to make major changes in order to rein in capitalism’s tendency towards destructive and unfettered growth,” Dr. Lee said, “but the solution was right there in front of us.” According to the panel, plastic stickers passed out on Earth Day and videos of CEOs standing in forests talking about conservation also played a major role.

To commemorate the occasion, IPCC has released a limited edition set of reusable plastic water bottles.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.