Due to pandemic precautions, new Stanford admits were not allowed to stay on campus this year for Admit Weekend — much to my surprise! So who was I hosting this past weekend?

He seemed like a shell of a person – scrawny, hunched over, constantly muttering to himself. One time, he was twiddling his thumbs, all Gollum-like, and I heard him say to himself, “What’s so awesome about Stanford anyway? We’re just as capable and attractive and brilliant as they are. They think they’re so much better. Humph.”

He had a gnarly 5 o’clock shadow and seemed to have an unusual interest in bears, always talking about how great they are. What was even more strange was that when I invited him to walk to dinner, he refused and said that he’d rather stay inside because the sight of trees scared him. 

When I did manage to drag him outside for lunch on the final day of Admit Weekend, he hissed at the afternoon sun and started scurrying on all fours, headed north. He was surprisingly fast on his hands and feet, like a slick lizard, so I couldn’t catch up to him. I sighed and was about to turn away when the sight of yellow lettering on the back of his dark blue sweatshirt caught my eye. Everything finally made sense:

“Berkeley.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.