I don’t know your name. I don’t know who you are. But I am intrigued. Maybe it’s coincidence. Maybe it’s by God’s hand.

Who are you? A Siemens competition winner? A world-class athlete in some obscure olympic sport? Do you watch Friends on the regular? Snort when you laugh too hard? Put M&Ms in your mask and eat them throughout the day?

I see you everywhere — in the gym, at the pool, in the classroom, on your bike going in the opposite direction when I’m biking to my 9:45 class. I even see you when I come out of the bathroom stall in Building 160 to wash my hands. There you are, waiting in line for your turn. Eating M&Ms. We make eye contact, but I quickly dart my eyes away, shy. 

When your jaw moves underneath your mask, are you trying to warn me of some impending doom? Whisper something to yourself? Scratch an itch on your nose? Fish out the last M&M?

What does this all mean? Are we meant to be best friends? The worst of enemies? The next time you see me, please stop me. Talk to me. Pull down your mask. Offer me an M&M. I like the green ones. I have to know you. This must come to an end.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.