Sierra Kennedy ’23 has not left her room in EVGR for seven whole days. In fact, she has not left her bed for twenty-six whole hours. But, in her mind, that hasn’t taken her out of the running for the latest Stanford Missed Connections post.

“The post referenced someone at Arrillaga who listens to girl in red,” said Kennedy. “I LISTEN TO GIRL IN RED.” 

Upon further questioning and reminding Kennedy that she has in fact not been to Arrillaga Family Dining Commons since week eight, Kennedy responded with a fascinating theory about the mysterious post.

“Look, the way I see it, half of these buildings are named Arrillaga, so maybe the original poster got confused and meant EVGR,” replied Kennedy.

Upon even more questioning (yes, we’re that thorough (we are serious journalists after all)), we reminded Kennedy that she has not seen a single individual since the beginning of Week 9, so there was no way she could have had a missed connection.

“HA true! Missed connection to society,” she added. “Hi, this is a sign for help. Someone please take me outside and touch the grass.”

At press time, one of our reporters escorted Kennedy outdoors for a couple of minutes from a safe distance while wearing masks. Within two minutes, Kennedy barked at a cyclist nearby.

“Never mind. I remember why I didn’t go outside,” she added. As of print time, Kennedy is back in her single refusing to do the three outstanding assignments she has yet to even begin to work on.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.