Following multiple analytic reports showing that students on campus were not opening their emails, Stanford administrators are revamping their strategy, assigning the Office of Student Engagement to get students to engage emails.

“We’ve noticed an abysmal opening rate for campus-wide emails. Sometimes we’ll get 3 clicks. Sometimes just 2,” said Provost Drell.

OSE released their upcoming plans in a follow-up email emphasizing their commitment to getting students to engage with campus communications. The office noted that no options were off the table.

“If [ACTION REQUESTED] does not work, then by golly, we’ll do an [ACTION REQUIRED],” said OSE leadership. 

In addition to ominous subject headings, the OSE hopes to raffle off weekly prizes to incentivize students to submit their feedback and visit the websites linked in the emails. Similar to the incentive program to ensure testing compliance, The Occasionally is still unsure whether anyone has or will win these infamous AirPods OSE is parading.

Luis Rodriguez ‘23 told us about how he has yet to meet or learn of a single person who has won a prize from the weekly raffle. Expecting more fanfare around whether someone has actually won anything, Rodriguez commented that the engagement strategy reeked of the “Zach and Cody Danimals Sweepstake.”

“These administrators always want us to engage with them in, like, town halls and shit, but honestly, until y’all pay me, I’m tapping out,” Rodriguez said. “My Outlook notifications are about to stay with 9999+ unread emails.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.