“OH, BRING IT ON,” wrote Provost Persis Drell in a startling Re-Approaching Stanford email sent on Monday, announcing the University is moving forward with plans to bring frosh and sophomores back for winter quarter. 

“OH, HELL YEAH,” continued the email, sending a chill down our spines. “GIVE IT TO US, WE CAN TAKE IT. WE’RE NEVER GONNA DIE.”

The frankly unsettling email went on to add that, despite record high rates of infection, hospitalization and death, “SOME PUNY LITTLE SISSY VIRUS” is no reason not to bring students back. Drell and the administration continued that they’re confident that Stanford students are “A BUNCH OF G**DAMNED STALLIONS” who can “GIVE AS GOOD AS THEY GET.”

“GUIDELINES? OH YOU BET YOUR ASS WE’LL HAVE GUIDELINES,” Drell continued. “THIS IS A WAR, YOU NAMBY-PAMBYS, NOT F***ING DAYCARE.”

The University’s plan for a safe return will require twice-weekly tests for on-campus affiliates, a two week quarantine after travel, and a compact signed by all students stating that “SOME THINGS ARE STRONGER THAN DEATH, BABY.”

“WHO’S YOUR DADDY? WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” wrote Drell, apparently addressing the virus directly. “I DRINK BLEACH FOR BREAKFAST, BITCH. YOU THINK I CAN’T TAKE YOU?”

An email sent out later that day included a video message from Vice Provost Susie Brubaker-Cole and her dog, Riva, in which they ritualistically painted her body with blood of unknown origin and screamed into the sun.

“Thank you for your understanding and perseverance in these difficult times,” Drell closed the email. “Please enjoy your break.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.