President Donald Trump recently named Vice President Mike Pence the “White House coronavirus response coordinator,” though the media and politics are simply calling the position “coronavirus czar.” Some think the President may be avoiding the word “czar” since the term was often used by the Obama administration, but it turns out the answer is much simpler. 

“President Trump cannot pronounce the word ‘czar,’” said political science professor Ken Hanson. “Last year I was called for a meeting at the White House, they wanted an expert opinion on something or other. At one point, President Trump just looked at me glassy-eyed, saying ‘tar,’ ‘car’ and other ‘ar’ words. He was trying to say ‘czar,’ and he just couldn’t. It was incredibly awkward.”

Hanson thinks that this may have been a happy accident for the president.

“Everyone already thinks he is working with the Russians,” Hanson explained. “Maybe it isn’t a bad idea for him to keep Russian words out of his press releases.”

Inspired by this “czar” fiasco, Hanson is planning on starting a research project dedicated to what words Trump doesn’t use, and how his avoidance of those words has affected politics. Hanson noted that anyone interested in the project should contact his office immediately.

“We will be paying our research assistants well,” Hanson told The Daily. “Most employees will be spending hours and hours watching videos of President Trump talking. We understand that is a huge undertaking.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.