In a scandalous turn of events, a newly-formed website called WiTree-Leaks reported that the strain of mono scheduled to circulate at Full Moon On The Quad (FMOTQ) this year contained a mutation engineered to produce profound effects on the belief systems of students.

Administration is hopeful that this news will at last put an end to a long-held tradition that they find difficult to regulate or monitor because it’s really such a struggle for bureaucracy to address issues like consent in a meaningful way. 

The specifics of the virus are not entirely known, but an anonymous tip suggested that the virus’ original intention was to improve the quality of debate and discussion on campus by making everybody The Contrarian™. While the identity of the individual behind this, popularly known as “The Contraband Contrarian,” remains a mystery, there is one exciting lead!

WiTree-Leaks released illegally-obtained private Snapchat texts as evidence for their assertion. A group of CS majors from the University has analyzed this data, and their peer-reviewed research paper — published a long 13 hours after this data was first put on the web — found that some of the key Snaps played backwards sound like Russian propaganda. They summarized their results as “disappointing, yet of no surprise.”

Could this be just one in a long series of moves aimed at crippling the very foundations of American democracy? We’ll just have to keep refreshing Reddit until we find out.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Smiti Mittal at smiti06 ‘at’ stanford.edu.