One of the highlights of my freshman year at Stanford was almost winning my dorm’s Assassin game. For a person who had never played before, I somehow ended up in the final two through a series of surprisingly sneaky maneuvers (which included squeezing into a rolling suitcase and hiding in the top shelf of a closet). Of course, I learned the hard way that cheap water guns don’t shoot well from eight feet in the air, but I had a fantastic time skulking around my dorm as a form of procrastination during spring quarter.

When I discovered that my current dorm would be participating in a game of Assassin, I was ready. And then I learned some of the basic rules. The game would be played in teams of three or four. There were few safe spaces. One member of your team could be revived before the end of a round if shot. I read the long list of rules emailed to all players at least five times and decided the game was infinitely more complicated than last year’s. Here is a general outline of my thought process from the team assignment to team elimination:

1. Sweet. I’m on Team Bobcat. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be ferocious. I can definitely be ferocious.
2. *Eyes bug out of head* MY ROOMMATE IS ON MY TARGET LIST?!
3. Would I be the first person in the world to commit roommate-icide by water gun?
4. I wonder when she gets back from finishing her p-set…
5. *Roommate enters room then proceeds to become engrossed in memes* If I pretend to type with one hand and squirt her with the other, she’ll never suspect a thing.
6. One down, two to go.
7. Wait. I’ve got a team. This calls for a GroupMe.
8. *Wakes up to find message of failed assassination attempt from teammate* This is not good. This is not good at all.
9. How am I supposed to walk down the hall to the bathroom if I don’t know the other people after me?
10. Okay. Think. What was your strategy last year? You were all on your own, and there were twice as many people playing.
11. *Opens door and sticks water gun out first, then peeks through crack at both sides of hallway* Be the spy. Channel your inner freshman.
12. *Receives GroupMe message about new elimination* I am humbled to have a teammate who can shoot a Nerf gun from underneath a table.
13. Does that mean I’m technically safe until the end of the first round? I’m getting pretty tired of having my water gun leak inside my backpack.
14. I should start planning potential ambushes instead of doing this essay. This is a creativity exercise. It will definitely boost my motivation to finish the assignment that’s due in three hours.
15. Well I’ve done the suitcase….What else can I fit into….a laundry basket….a really big backpack….a duffle bag….I better get back to my essay now.
16. *Sees potential assassin locking bike* I think I’m going to take a nice ride around the block now. This will count as ⅛ of my workout for the day that I probably won’t finish.
17. *Approaching dorm again* I hope to God he’s gone now. I need a nap.
18. *Receives round 2 email with new target list* Well…I don’t know him…and I can’t remember the last time I saw him either….or him….
19. Hmmm…I guess the best thing to do would be to ask around about general schedules. What floor is that one guy even on?
20. *Bobcat GroupMe blows up* How is entering a closed room allowed? They both can’t be dead. What if they had been sleeping or changing or….I gotta text my RA.
21. *Two deaths declared invalid, one death declared fair* You’ve got to be kidding me. He got shot on the way to speaking with the RA about the unfair death. Actually, that’s genius and probably something I would’ve done last year.
22. What happened to me? I’ve only gotten one person out, and it was my roommate standing two feet away. I’ve definitely let myself go.
23. What’s the use though? My team is probably going to get out anyway.
24. Put the E back in team! Where did I put my suitcase?
25. *Receives notification that Team Bobcat has been eliminated* Freshman Emily would be so disappointed in me. At least I get to relax now.

Contact Emily Schmidt at egs1997 ‘at’ stanford.edu.