To hear it from the mainstream media, Stanford is basically a giant tech incubator with a few classrooms attached. If this doesn’t jive with your experience of university life, tough. Hate to break it to you, but that’s apparently our thing now, because news outlets from the New Yorker to Buzzfeed have said so, and those two don’t agree on much. Your classes in biology or history are nice and all, but turns out they’re mostly for accreditation purposes. Stanford is actually a vocational program — call it the “Arrillaga Institute of Technology” — that gives students the skills we need to drop out and cash in. Those world-class departments in other, less profitable fields are just a convenient front, like a guy from Jersey who says he’s in “waste management.”

Truth is, if you’re not building a company, you’re wasting your time here. Soon enough, admission will be asking for app ideas along with an artistic portfolio on the application. In fact, if you don’t already have at least a few prototypes and minimum viable products, statistically speaking you’re lagging way behind. Soul-crushing amounts of work and a lack of interest in entrepreneurial ventures are no excuses — what are you trying to do, get an education? You’ve got a sensationalist media narrative to align with! Build something, darn it!

With that in mind, Lomita is sharing a few killer company ideas to get the ball rolling. The next Facebook could be waiting right here on this list, and it’s all yours, pending a 60-40 equity split with us! You’re welcome. Don’t forget to mention us in a TED Talk someday:

• Pyl: Tired of the same old Soylent grind? (We know, who could ever get tired of an off-white slurry you consume instead of food that positively screams, “I’m normal and have many friends?” But give us the benefit of the doubt). With Pyl, you can live the space-age dream of consuming all your meals in pill form! In just 1,437 easy installments, you can swallow all your daily nutritional values and avoid all that tiresome chewing and sipping. Order today and we’ll throw in some Adderall for free. And yes, before you ask, we do offer suppositories.
• Dossier: Picture this — you’ve met somebody, and they seem like a promising friend/significant other/FWB/nemesis, but you have to go through all that conversational rigmarole to see if you click. That can take forever, and in today’s world, who has time to get to know anybody anymore? With Dossier, all you need to do is type a person’s name, and we’ll give you access to their Facebook, Twitter, blog, personal email, Tinder profile and sixth-grade book reports. You’ll know exactly who they are without looking up from your phone or engaging with them in any way! We know what you’re thinking: Is that legal? Great question! We’re glad you asked.
• Wipr: Apps that take care of all those troublesome things we don’t want to do, like laundry, shopping and driving, are a huge emerging market. Lomita’s seen the trends, and that’s why we’re proud to offer Wipr, a service that connects you with the personal ass-wiper closest to you. Those are precious seconds you can spend doing literally anything else — why hinder your creative freedom by cleaning up stray bits of poop? Just get someone else to do it for you and don’t think about the consequences for society at large. For an extra fee, our assperts will administer your Pyl suppositories for you.
• Skool: This one has real potential, but it’s kind of large in scope, so bear with us. It’s a virtual reality simulator. We bring in the world’s foremost experts in a staggering array of subjects and have them teach classes, give lectures and host events. It’s like you’re actually there in the room with them! What’s more, thanks to improving Oculus technology, you get to experience the perfect weather, memorable social bonding and invaluable personal growth of a real dream-college lifestyle! We know that all sounds too good to be true, but the tech is there. Wouldn’t you like to leave whatever it is you’re doing and turn this dream into reality? All you have to do is drop out and build it.

Contact Alex Rawitz at arawitz ‘at’ stanford.edu